im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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