So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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