This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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