Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
