you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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