In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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