wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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