Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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