I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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