Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
