Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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