Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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