I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
