His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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