There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
