Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
