i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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