dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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