every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
