My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
