Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
