3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
