He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
