the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
