so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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