he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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