Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
