You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
