I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Dignity is for republicans.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
