If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
