The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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