rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
