Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
