areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
