He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
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I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
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I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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