"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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