i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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