I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
This toilet bowl is my home.
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