This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize