I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
