Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sponge bath it is.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I love having hate sex.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
