Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We are all done wearing pants today
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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