did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
