Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
