I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
