he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
