1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
