I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
