If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
