1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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