just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
