I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
