I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Sober January is a disaster.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
