you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
