took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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