Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
