Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
