Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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