Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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