Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
